“Why Can’t I Get into Shape?!”

Today at the gym there was only myself and another fellow, a portly man, “working out”. Sunday is a rather easy gym day for me, I just go in and have fun.

I started my workout with deep squats. The other fellow in the gym was sitting at a chest press machine occasionally pushing some light weight, but mostly just sitting.

I am doing set after set of heavy, ass-to-grass squats, adding weight with each set. The other fellow is just staring at me the whole time while he sits on his machine.

After about 10 sets of heavy squats (singles) I decide to superset sprints and squats.

I warm up with a light jog the length of the gym and back. He watches me…

I hit ANOTHER set of squats. He watches me…

I do another warmup run. He just SITS THERE continuing to watch me...

I do my sprints – the length of the gym and back as fast as I can. Then I go for another set of squats. He moves to another machine, sits down, and just KEEPS ON watching me…

I finish 5 sets of sprints and squats and he is STILL sitting on his SAME machine, watching me, wondering to himself “Why can’t I look like that guy?”

GYM RULES FOR KILLERS AND REAL DEALERS:

1) Get off your ass.

Sitting down is for the lazy.

Winners stand. If you want to sit down, go back to your couch.

2) Excuses are for assholes.

I’m naturally skinny-fat with long monkey arms and a thin bone structure. Boo fucking hoo.

If I can build a muscular powerful body, then you can gain some weight and learn how to build some muscle too.

3) Pick up something HEAVY. Put it down. Do it all over again.

4) Don’t quit when it gets hard. That’s when it starts to GET GOOD. Keep going.

5) Sweating is good for you.

If you ain’t sweatin’ you’re just bullshittin’.

Especially if it’s summer.

In winter you can wear clothes that will help you sweat.

6) Have fun with it.

You don’t need to do the EXACT same routine and the EXACT same exercises day after day.

You just need to give each exercise your ALL.

7) If you can’t bench or squat your bodyweight, you don’t have ANY BUSINESS playing around on machines.

After you develop some strength, is when you will get any REAL benefit from machines, not before.

8) It’s all in the MIND.

That’s where the battle is won or lost.

9) Never listen to the bullshit about “overtraining”.

Tell Jim Bob, who grew up on a farm baling hay every morning and has shoulders as wide as his wingspan and forearms like bowling pins, about overtraining and he’ll laugh in your face.

“Overtraining” is an excuse to be lazy and out of shape.

10) Have a nice day.

Until next time.

Your man,

-Elijah “The Realist”