Background
After perusing the Internet…
I’ve noticed many articles on what to do and what NOT to do at an alcohol serving establishment.
Most advice pieces are from the perspective of a customer such as a roller, pick up artist, safety advocate, etc.
Some pieces are written from service industry employees who are biased for their own profit.
I decided to add my own two cents as altruistically as possible.
There are some things that are NEVER mentioned in other articles that I noticed so I will focus on them.
So sit back and prepare to suspend your disbelief.
The Establishment
The establishment you choose is KEY for a good night.
Aside from the obvious cleanliness and criminal element presence indicators, there are certain things you should scope out.
One thing to consider is the cash register.
If it is a relatively new and sophisticated computer system, the odds of you being ripped off are minimal.
If it is some dollar tree Casio numerical keypad register with a separate credit card machine attached, one should beware.
Another thing to take notice of is the liquor bottles.
When bottles are empty I throw them away, so that bottle of Jack Daniels you see on the shelf should look brand-new.
If you notice bottles of high-volume sales liquors with beat up labels, there is a strong possibility that bottle of Jameson is not actually filled with Jameson.
Also, if they don’t pour the drinks in the open, red flags should go up in your mind.
Tells of Cheapness
When going to a reputable establishment, it is best NOT to do things that give the impression that you are a cheapskate.
A quick indicator of cheapskates is knockoff clothing, jewelry, and accessories.
Another thing that gives them away quickly is when they ASK how much something costs.
If you have to ask how much something is, then you probably can’t afford it.
Another one that defies logic and my brain is people who think they get more alcohol by asking for it in a tall glass or with less ice.
Telling the bartender it is your birthday is acceptable.
Asking for a free shot because it is your birthday is not.
Another move that gives away a cheapskate… is telling the bartender that you tip at the end of the night WITHOUT starting a tab.
Also, using a dead credit card to start a tab might actually have you sent to jail.
Be Prepared
Know what you want to drink before you come to the bar.
Be ready to pay immediately after the drink has been served.
If it is a busy night, people will be irritated at you slowing things down.
If you plan on banging barflies, make sure you consistently use a fake name and pack condoms.
If you plan on getting intoxicated to the point of blacking out, wear clothes you wouldn’t mind puking on and have a cab number programmed in your phone.
Preparation is the KEY to your success.
Don’t Be Ignorant
The “T” at the end of Merlot is silent, do not pronounce it.
Amaretto is NOT pronounced “Amarillo”.
Don’t ever say “this doesn’t taste like how I make it at home” or at Applebee’s.
Sometimes someone will pull the old ”I’ll have a vodka tonic”, and then when it’s delivered say “I said vodka cranberry”.
Trying to score free stuff by saying you wanted something else does not work.
Also, no matter how many MMA classes you have been to, you will not be able to engage a bouncer effectively while intoxicated.
Making Things Complicated
I’ve noticed some groups like to do something call social preening.
This is a pretentious and vapid way to appear sophisticated.
One method of social preening is to order complicated drinks to appear sophisticated.
I enjoy making mojito’s and other popular yet complicated drinks , but when someone orders a drink they don’t even know what’s in it or tries playing the “test the bartender’s knowledge game” using some new iPhone app, frustration will ensue.
Also if you order four shots, you are expected to pay for said four shots, not “he will pay for that one I’ll pay for these two and she’ll get that last one”.
Here To Serve You
Some customers cannot make up their mind on what they would like to drink, so I ask them what their preferred method and motivations for drinking are.
Want to get drunk cheap?
I can do that.
Want something you can’t make at home?
I can do that.
Want something that makes you look manly but NOT too strong?
I can do that as well, all you have to do is ask.
Some oddball requests I’ve gotten include stuffing a glass with cherries and filling it with Crown Royal, making a $100 sex on the beach in a beer pitcher(surprisingly difficult math wise), and sending a round of three shots of water to some angry ladies.
For the most part if you got the money, I can make it happen within the bounds of the law.
If an establishment does NOT respect you and you are NOT being a jack ass, then you should NOT continue to do business with them.
Different Perspectives
I must state that my demeanor, motivations and actions are NOT the same as all bar service employees.
For example, I do not mind if customers go “hey you” or snap their fingers at me but this appears to be extremely irritating to others.
I enjoy watching customers accomplish their “mission” and will help a dude “get it in”.
Surprisingly or not depending on your perspective, female bartenders put their ego ahead of their paychecks sometimes.
They might submarine your chances of sealing the deal with a girl because they are jealous you are giving her TONS of attention.
Also, I actually enjoy hearing people’s stories and learning new things, but to some other bartenders, the customer is just a step toward another 8 ball of cocaine.
Conclusion
To have a good time at the bar, have fun.
Don’t bring outside problems in or use alcohol as an escape from reality.
Remember it is a business though, and business is business.
Until next time.
Your man,
-Elijah “The Realist”
