How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend: The Ultimate Guide

You are done.

D.O.N.E.

Maybe you’re sick of the annoying way that she eats her cereal.

Maybe you’re tired of her constantly ditching you to hang out with her ‘bestie’.

Maybe her ass just isn’t big enough for you, so you’re dumping her to set out on a quest for a rotund booty like Jessica Alba’s.

Maybe she’s a perfect girlfriend, but your desire for fresh poon is driving you to cast off the ball and chain and explore new vaginas.

Regardless of your reason, the result is the same: 

You HAVE TO dump her and you DON’T know how.

Sit back, loosen your tie, slump in your chair (so your boss doesn’t spot you slacking off) and read the Playboy’s 5 Step Blueprint To Dumping Your Girlfriend.

Step 1

Grow distant.

Take longer to answer her calls, respond to texts, and start being late.

She’ll get the hint that something is wrong and ‘the talk’ won’t surprise her quite as much.

I say ‘quite’, but expect the waterworks to flow.

Step 2

Tie up loose ends.

Remember your favorite Bulls cap you left at her apartment?

Snatch it next time you’re at her pad.

Anything of yours that you will need to get that isn’t obvious (she has your TV?!)…

Get it back in your possession so you can make a clean break after ‘the talk’.

Step 3 

Consider the consequences.

Has she shown signs of being crazy?

Hell, that might be why you’re currently dumping her.

If so, then consider the worse case scenarios and plan for them.

If she’s ever shown even a slight hint of violence, or acting irrationally, then ask a 3rd party to come along with you when you dump her, if you have to do it in person.

If she’s acting that crazy, then simply dump her over the phone.

If it’s unavoidable to dump her without being in person, then the 3rd party can act as a witness if she gets on some bullshit and lies about you (i.e. calls the cops with lies).

Even the most ‘nice’ girl can turn into a Hell’s Angel on PCP when faced with rejection.

Tread lightly and be diplomatic.

Step 4

Set up ‘the talk’.

Now there’s a few different ways to dump your girlfriend, but this blueprint is for you cats who want some closure and don’t want to entirely crush the girl.

My personal favorite is the Slow Fade where I grow more distant and lessen the contact to the point where the girl should immediately get the point.

If she doesn’t, then I ‘take a vacation’. For Life. 

Anyways, back to Step 4.

I highly recommend setting up ‘the talk’ somewhere semi-public.

The reason for this is I have been chased down a street by a crazy chick wielding a butcher knife (like the one from American Psycho).

The worst part was I didn’t have my contacts in and was essentially blind.

It’s a miracle I didn’t run face first into a lamp post.

Meeting in a semi-public place gives you some sense of security that she won’t act out too much with the public eye lurking like a ‘friendly’ drone in the sky.

It also allows you an easy exit from her after ‘the talk’: “I only have 2 minutes left in my meter!”

Tell her you’d like to talk about some stuff (yes, keep it vague) and tell her where to meet you.

Step 5

You’re sitting with her and you’re ready to deliver ‘the talk’.

What you say and how you say it will determine how bad she actually takes it.

Continuing with the objective of you wanting to let her down gently, here’s a few go-to options that will let her down easy and let you move on.

“It’s not you; it’s me.” (The fail-safe break-up line)

“We’re headed in different directions and I don’t want to hold you back.” 

(Classic line that makes it look like you actually care, even if you don’t anymore.

You might be on the same exact track, but you could always ‘change your mind’ to backup this line.)

“We want different things.” (Girls actually love to use this one. Flip the script.)

“I fell out of love with you.” 

(The beauty of this line is that it makes it seem like you have no control in whether you fall in love or fall out.

We know this to be false and that love is a conscious choice as opposed to infatuation, however, it’s quite effective to the female mind.)

Of course you can always just tell her the truth…

“I fucked your sister and her pussy is tighter than yours. She also swallowed and you never would.”

“I love pussy more than I love you.”

“I just realized that having sex with only one girl is insanity.”

“Monogamy isn’t natural.” (I had to duck on this girl because she actually threw her plate at my head when I said it.)

“Your feet are awkward and it’s summer time. I can’t stand the sight of them in sandals. Call me when it’s cold out.”

“You have zero personality and while I didn’t care in the beginning when I was pounding your pussy like Tyson in the 5th, I can’t fuck a robot anymore. A blowup doll is more conversational.”

“Since you switched ‘careers’ to being an ‘exotic dancer’, my lust for your snatch doesn’t have quite the same appeal it once did considering you’re putting it in every Tom, Dick and Harry’s face nightly.”

And so on and so forth.

BUT, I can guarantee you that it won’t be as effective and go as smoothly as the ‘soft’ rejections I wrote out for you earlier.

When dumping someone it’s hard enough for them to deal with the fact that you’re rejecting them.

Make it a little easier on them by using a generic line and exit to the left.

You’ll have less guilt (if you have any) and she won’t be forever crushed and turn to meth and parking lot gang-bangs at the local Flying J in the back of a U-Haul.

Of course, if all these steps seem like too much trouble, you can always fake your death, or simply block her number depending on how dark the Triad is in you.

Last thing and most important: bring tissues.

They always cry.

Until next time.

Your man,

-Elijah “The Realist”

P.S Trouble getting girls to text you back? Your problem is solved here.