6 Travel Tips For Your Stomach

If you’re going to South America for a short period you need a survival strategy for your ass.

Here are six tips:

1. Don’t use the hostel toilet paper. 

They are one grade above newspaper and will give you the abraded anus if you have to go often due to diarrhea.

Go to the supermarket and buy the most expensive toilet paper they have, which won’t be expensive at all.

Your ass is important so don’t skimp on this, even though I know you will.

2. Take probiotics.

If you’re going to a poor country with an already sensitive stomach, I recommend you take probiotics, which are “good” bacteria for your stomach that is supported by scientific research.

You can also buy yogurt, which you can find everywhere. 

3. Lay off caffeine.

I know you like coffee and soda but caffeine is a gut stimulant that is like cocaine on digestive muscle.

When you’re taking bus rides or hikes you don’t want to have to go unexpectedly, and holding your shit in is uncomfortable.

Trust me when I say it’s better to be constipated while traveling than going too often, but if you’re too constipated then ramp up fiber intake starting with one apple a day.

Or have a double espresso in the vicinity of a toilet.

4. Fight the sludge.

After a while in a poor country the consistency of your shit may turn into gooey sludge.

This is probably because you eat a lot of outside food that isn’t handled in the most sanitary way.

Here’s my anti-sludge diet:

Breakfast: Sandwich of cheese and deli meat, apple, yogurt.

Lunch: Nutella or peanut butter sandwich, banana, pear, exotic fruit (papaya in Brazil, avocado in Colombia)

Snack: Crackers

Dinner: Rice-based meal with chicken and veggies (carrots, green peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes)

Use white bread and rice first because the anti-sludge diet has a lot of fiber which you don’t want to overload on and get mushy craps (though I argue that mushy is far better than sludgy).

It takes about 3-4 days to eliminate the sludge.

5. Take something for the gas. 

Gas decreases your overall quality of life (along with your confidence when it comes time to mack), and seems to increase dramatically during travel.

6. Peppermint. 

If your stomach is angry like mine then you need something to settle it down.

I recommend peppermint pills, a natural gut relaxant. 

I pop one before eating meals that I know will cause me trouble.

Only side effect is having minty burps afterwards.

Until next time.

Your man,

-Elijah “The Realist”